Sexual anxiety can affect anyone at any stage of life, quietly undermining confidence and intimacy. If you’re feeling worry, stress, or pressure around sexual experiences, you’re not alone. This post explores what sexual anxiety is, why it happens, and how supportive approaches like hypnotherapy can help you regain comfort and connection.
What is Sexual Anxiety?
For many individuals, difficulty becoming or staying aroused during intimacy can be a sensitive and frustrating issue.
However, it’s important to understand that sexual anxiety is a common experience that can affect anyone, and can land at any time.
Typical symptoms associated with sexual anxiety:
- Avoidance of sexual situations or intimacy
- Feelings of inadequacy or performance anxiety
- Negative thoughts and self-doubt during sexual encounters
- Physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, sweating, or muscle tension
The Importance of Addressing Arousal Difficulties
As usual with most negative symptoms, the unhelpful and unwanted feedback loop can start to kick in pretty quickly.
We struggle to get aroused – the fear creeps in – the anxiety goes up – the struggle worsens – the fear creeps in…
And around and around we go.
So how do we break the cycle? And where do we point our focus to make the change we want…
Well, it’s always worth looking at a two-pronged attack with any concerns, and that includes the arena of sexual anxiety too: manage the symptoms – adjust the cause.
Every time we open Google there are ads for various sexual anxiety symptom ‘fixes’, from patches to tablets to creams to **add in anything else here** for all and every concern imaginable. And some of these can work, but more often than not only for a time. So it’s worth doing a little research before diving into any anxiety symptom relief that you feel will work for you, and offers you the best temporary solution you can lay your hands on.
But in this article, we’re going to look at the cause of sexual anxiety…
Cue our old foe…
Why Does My Brain Not Want Me To Have Sex?
Whilst we are all unique, our neurology stitches each one of us together
Let’s have a look at the basic reasons for the Why’s of sexual anxiety…
Ridiculously simply put, Stress, in its primitive sense, is all about survival. When you’re running for your life away from that lion, your brain makes the sensible in-the-moment decision to ignore things that are, well let’s say, not strictly necessary at this given point.
Things like Digestion. Sleep. Sociality. Behaviours that are for sure needed in the longer term all get switched off for the time being, and all energy is re-directed into fundamental life-saving equipment: the arms, the legs, the heart-pumping engine, in order for us get the hell out of there… And understandably, another process that gets put on pause is…
Arousal.
All important, yes, but not important when potentially fighting for our lives.
Now, of course, you’re not running from a lion at this point (hopefully), but I feel sure you can look into your current life and substitute that damn lion with any other stresses going on at this time.
Your stress response system that keeps you alive doesn’t know whether it’s a lunch-starved giant cat running you down, or if you can’t make that rent payment in 3 days due to a lack of funds…
Or you’re struggling in that relationship that you’ve been sat in for years…
Or work has you burning every second under the darkening autumn skies…
Or any of the many other concerns that can affect us day to day.
Stress is up. Chill is down. And so is that wanted libido.
Your SRS (Stress Response System) is doing exactly what it’s meant to do, which is good news (if it wasn’t we’d be having a very different conversation right now) – but sometimes the right response isn’t always the response we want.
But I’m Not Stressed!
Stress, anxiety, and other negative psychological factors aren’t just caused by something immediately dangerous…
One of the wonderful things humans can do (which can also feel like a bit of a curse at times), is that we can predict.
We can paint almost instant pictures in our minds of the future so that we can physically react to predicted circumstances and ideally live on a little longer. But our predictions can sometimes be a little overzealous by keeping us prepared for the events that won’t ever happen. But the response system kicks in anyway, just in case, and all those negative feelings arrive full pelt regardless of whether you need them or not.
And because the non-essentials are pushed to the back of the ‘need cupboard’, prolonged or regular bouts of stress response hormones continue to reject the need for sexual excitement, which can ignite sexual anxiety and can begin to significantly impact someone’s physical ability to become, and remain, aroused.
So, Heightened Levels of Unresolved Stress is the main cause for sexual anxiety, and therefore, libido loss.
And no amount of symptom fixing is going to bring that back to the table for the long run.
Won’t It Just Go Away In Time?
Hmmm…
While it may be tempting to ignore or downplay the challenge of stress being the culprit for sexual anxiety, doing so can start to have detrimental effects on intimate relationships AND overall well-being through not addressing, and therefore not communicating what’s really going on.
Tackling arousal difficulties head-on, through open communication, by looking for and engaging in stress reduction efforts regularly, and by seeking professional support, is a courageous and worthwhile step.
By normalising these conversations and prioritising stress concerns that can increase sexual anxiety and lead to a pause in sexual health, individuals can take control of their arousal experiences, reignite those intimate connections and cultivate more fulfilling feelings and relationships.
So, Back To The Bedroom
Have you ever had feelings of inadequacy or performance anxiety?…
Let’s face it, we’ve all been there – that nagging sense of self-doubt, the paralysing fear of failure, the overwhelming pressure to perform.
And I’m not talking about sexual anxiety here… Nope, this can be with any type of performance – from dancing on stage to competing in sports events, from taking a driving test to leading that meeting standing in front of your work team, ‘performance’ comes in many guises, and yet psychologically we fire up the same hormones and physical responses regardless of what event is taking place.
So What Am I Stressed About?
In today’s fast-paced, high-stakes world, feelings of inadequacy and performance anxiety have become all too common.
Whether it’s the demands of a high-powered job (or any work activity with heightened stress loads), the relentless comparisons and expectations through social media, or the simple day-in day-out challenges of life, the weight of it all can feel crushing.
The build-up and accumulation of general stress can be damaging and can become a formidable task to tackle.
Some key areas of life stress:
- Personal: Abuse, illness, bereavement, everyday chores
- Family and Friends: Disagreement, break-ups, raising children
- Employment and Study: Unemployment, job stress, job loss, exams
- Housing: Homelessness, moving house, neighbour issues
- Money: Debt, poverty, security
- Social Factors: Discrimination, stigma, lack of access to medical, green space and transport needs
Self Care Ideas
The good news is, there are proven strategies that can help tackle general stress levels and bring ‘paused systems’ back online
Self-help ideas go a long way in helping to overcome those everyday worries, allowing you to reclaim a little of that ‘performance confidence’ (I should patent that slogan pdq), and reduce a little of those feelings of sexual anxiety.
And as always, there are three key factors to achieving greater success with your self-care efforts:
- Persistence
- Consistency
- Patience
So, by taking a bit of time out for a little mindfulness, by improving our self-compassion (eg ‘giving ourselves a bit of slack’), and maybe even finding ways to create a shift in perspective, we can learn to silence the inner finger-jabbing critic to embrace our own existing strengths and abilities (and yes, you do have plenty!!).
And where possible, it’s always worth adding in the age-old, tried and tested processes that positively impact everyone’s mind and body:
- Better rest (and ideally sleep if you can manage)
- Improved diet (nothing needs to be perfect here, just a small step in the healthier direction is enough)
- Exercise (not too little, definitely not too much!)
With an improved mindset, some solid support, and a steadily continual effort with a sound set of self-care practices, we can begin to move on from the stresses and strains of life, reclaim a more calm and relaxed state of being regularly, and begin to reduce the frustrating concerns of sexual anxiety within intimacy.
Overcoming Negative Thoughts in the Bedroom
Quieting the over-active mind can allow us to fully immerse ourselves in the experience.
The answer then to a fruitful sexual experience may well begin outside of the bedroom, (or staircase, or car, etc), in the reduction of overwhelming concerns happening in our everyday lives. And by reducing the issues plaguing us in the back of our minds, we can reduce our heightened levels of sexual anxiety so that we can become more focused and relaxed in the moment we are in.
Our want for physical communication, passionate connection, and emotional depth can often be found in understanding the subtle cues of others rather than critiquing our own performances, and therefore a greater need for presence is a must. This ‘in the moment’ mindset can allow us to dive into sexual moments with greater confidence and ultimately, fulfilment.
With more open communication, both verbally and physically, we can develop a healthier, more enjoyable sex life, push aside that inner bedroom judge, and enjoy a greater depth of intimacy, as the people we are.
If you’re experiencing sexual anxiety, self-doubt, a drop in confidence, or any kind of performance anxiety, please get in touch with me here.
